Friday, September 25, 2009

Adultery For Dummies -- by Sybil Adelman Sage

Those having trouble finding extra-marital affairs (seemingly a minute demographic) now have help. The web site greatloveseeker.com identifies itself as the "Discreet Dating Community For Married People, and for Single People that want to meet and date unhappy married people."

They offer the option of having an affair with a married woman or man, another if you're in a relationship and want to have an affair, telling you which link to press as if those looking to cheat need mentoring and directions to figure out the right buttons to press.

The copy reads, "There are thousands of unhappy married women and men in every city." I would add there may be more now that the spouse can line up an affair without even leaving the computer. It goes on to boast, "A great thing about this Discreet Dating Community For Married People is that there is no cost to join," a decided advantage over the Atlanta Athletic Club with an initiation fee of $40,000, the Los Angeles Country Club that charges $80,000 for a membership, and even Costco, where for an annual fee of $50, I get to bag my own oversized, unwieldy purchases. It's now cheaper to have an affair than to stock up on toilet paper.

Greatloveseeker.com requires you to be 18 or over, perhaps to screen out underage political science majors who want to have an affair prior to getting elected.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Say "I'm sorry" on The Jay Leno Show

With Kanye West's apology being credited for boosting the ratings of Jay Leno's first primetime show, look for a new feature, "the apology segment." Upcoming guests will be Serena Williams, Roger Federer, Joe Wilson and a reprise by apologist emeritus Mark Sanford.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Who Did Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's Make-over -- by Sybil Adelman Sage

The newly released photo of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed shows him looking far less bedraggled and more like Osama Bin Laden than he had in the downtrodden "before" pictures repeatedly shown on TV. Though we've all been told not to bring in photos of celebrities to hairdressers, he must have shown one of bin Laden's tapes to the make-over stylist at Guantanamo, someone far better than the lady in the Bloomingdale's cosmetic department, who failed miserably when I asked to look more like Catherine-Zeta Jones.

His beard is longer, his face, perhaps because of skillfully applied make-up, lighting or both, appears less round, what the people who name face shapes for those of us deciding which eyeglass frames are most flattering might call, "oval," or "pear-shaped." His prior photo, showing him with a dazed expression and wearing a t-shirt whose neck had stretched out, accompanied every story about whether or not waterboarding is torture.

Judging from the way Khalid Sheikh Mohammad (did he use three names before Sarah Jessica Parker?) looked, waterboarding is torture, or certainly when it's done 183 times. His new look is a huge improvement and could land him on the cover of the terrorists' fashion magazine.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Reasons for a bedroom threesome - by Sybil Adelman Sage

I’ve never been interested in a threesome, picturing too many arms and other body parts called into play at the same time, like an overloaded electrical outlet that could, without warning, combust. Can three people be intimate? Doesn’t it create that same, "Sorry, you go ahead" awkwardness of a conference call? And who calls whom the next morning? Or was that how the conference call originated?

As I’m getting older, however, I’m starting to see why a couple might enlist a third person, not to join in the activities, but to serve as a concierge. The responsibilities would vary, depending on the age and needs of the couple. Think of it as sexual assisted living.

During the hormone-driven, teen years, this person would provide condoms and serve as the designated driver if one or both are in no condition to drive. Insurance companies might reduce premiums for those with this risk-reducing threesome in place.

Ages 20-40: The "sextra" is to suggest different positions to add variety, charge batteries for sexual aids and keep any offspring away from the bedroom. A couple engaged in adultery could have their own third person to keep an eye out for suspicious spouses, detectives and tabloid reporters, and in the case of married politicians, to draft the public apology.

Ages 35-50: For those getting a later start on having kids and facing fertility problems, the additional person monitors basal temperature, prodding the couple to have sex at optimal moments and TIVO-ing "The Daily Show" if they have to miss it.

Ages 60 & up: This is when the helper maintains the supply of Cialis and lubricants and remains in the ready position to run in with kneading hands upon hearing a loud cry indicating a Lipitor-induced leg cramp. If one of the team has suffered a hearing loss, the "sex-asst." (as the listing would appear on craigslist) is positioned during all activities to be visible to both partners and communicate, "Faster" and "Don’t stop" in sign language.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Honor Ted Kennedy by Having my Husband Pick Up his Socks from the Floor - by Sybil Adelman Sage

I signed this petition to honor Ted Kennedy, which was delivered to senators:

"In honor of Ted Kennedy, name the reform bill that passed Kennedy's health committee 'The Kennedy Bill'." I did, however, add a minor modification: that my husband pick up the piles of clothing and sections of 'The New York Times' that he's routinely left on the floor during our 27-year marriage."

This bill is important to those of us who not only worry about medical coverage, but are forced to choose between stepping over or picking up assorted items of clothing, an issue that created controversy when feminist author Fay Weldon, in a recent interview with The Daily Telegraph, advised that if a woman wants an easy life, she should pick up her husband's socks.

Each time I toss a sneaker into the closet, sock into the laundry bag or "Style" section into the recycling bin, I remind myself that my husband replaces burned out bulbs, washes greasy pots, hangs photos, rearranges the food pantry, pays the bills and manages the record-keeping, has our car inspected and tops off the wiper fluid, moves furniture, handles everything electrical and digital, charges batteries for remotes and cameras, orders cartridges for our seltzer maker and maintains the espresso machine, updates my software and recovers lost data, whether in my computer or brain. You'd think someone who does all that uncomplainingly could pick up after himself.

If Congress doesn't help, I will be left with no recourse but to hold him hostage until he sympathizes with his captor in what's called Stockholm syndrome, becomes dependent on me for survival and feels guilty enough to do what I ask. But what happens if our car runs out of windshield fluid?