"Michael & Paul Have Issues" - by Sybil Adelman Sage

The post-Olympics Michael Phelps has had a run of problems, enough so that Comedy Central might think about doing a spin-off from its new "Michael & Michael Have Issues," this one to star Phelps, with the simpler title, "Michael Has Issues."

The most recent is that his record was broken by Germany's Paul Biedermann, wearing a polyurethane suit that was credited with adding to his speed. The fabric will soon be banned by swimming's governing body, FINA.

Lessons learned:

When late for an appointment, wear polyurethane.

Stick with the Miracle Suit. Though it doesn't add speed, it does make you appear ten pounds thinner. You may arrive late, but you'll be svelte.