last night, as i was watching the closing ceremony of the bejing olympics, i was bemused to hear the commentators oohing and aahing over the lavishness of the program. listening to them, i realized that these were people who had never been to the weintraub bar mitzvah.
when anderson weintraub turned thirteen, his parents threw a party that would have made the chinese turn green with envy. talk about organization - marilyn weintraub had begun planning this gala on the day of little anderson's bris. you want to talk about fireworks? you haven't seen anything like it until yetta mandelbaum discovered that she had been seated at the same table as marcia goldstein, the bitch who had the nerve to wear the very same dress as yetta. and the 100 meter dash? picture 200 jews being told the viennese sweet table was open.
when anderson was lowered to a piano stool, from the ceiling, in order to serenade his guests with the theme from "star wars" you could have heard a pin drop. marilyn and sheldon weintraub spared no expense for anderson's launch into society. they, just like the chinese, pressed all kinds of volunteers into service in order to make anderson's day special. unlike the chinese however, the weintraub's let ugly little cousin tiffany sing.
yes sir. the chinese could sure take a page from the weintraub's. i don't know what kind of goody bag the olympic audience left with, but the weintraub's sent all of us home with bagels and lox and a copy of the sunday new york times.