Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Should we expect infomercials for The Polygamist Wives Diet & Skin Creams? ...by Sybil Sage

Will the polygamist wives impact on fall fashions? Can we expect to see puff-sleeved, pastel dresses in Barney's windows, or are the long dresses, designed for modesty and conformity, impractical for those of us darting in and out of traffic and shoving clothes into 22" carry-on suitcases?

These gals are covered so that not an inch of skin is exposed to tempt the guy or guys they share. A polygamist expert (is that a major available at many colleges?) explains they cover themselves "so that they're unattractive to the outside world or other men." The expert doesn't mention that they're probably less prone to skin cancer, which could be a huge plus as we're not clear how many wives are covered under any one man's health plan.

The hairdos, too, recalling old Breck girls, have not gone unnoticed. The women don't cut their hair, expecting to use it to wash Christ's feet during the Second Coming. The bangs are grown out and rolled to accompany sausage curls on the sides and often braids down the back. The braids, adding stiffness, should be effective on Christ's feet, not unlike a Squeegee on a car window.

The women are wrinkle-free. Not one is overweight. It may be that with such large families, portion control happens quite naturally. I suspect we'll soon be seeing infomercials promoting the Polygamist Wives Diet and skin creams.

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