Each year I do some version of the same resolutions, mostly having to do with carbs and being less judgmental, but in 2008 I'm becoming more ambitious. Instead of addressing my flaws, I'm making resolutions for those whose footprints have had greater negative impact than mine. Here is a sampling:
Those of you who seek revenge in malls, schools and workplaces...even if you've gotten fired by Mc Donald's or are depressed about something else, no more shooting up...unless you have Ann Coulter in sight. And while we're at it, no more new malls. Nothing good ever happens in a mall.
Doctors, if I can get there on time, so can you. We're the ones who have to travel to come to you, remember?
Stop sending out catalogs. Those of you who agree with me can go online and remove yourselves from the list. There's a website that allows you to do this though I can't remember the name. Okay, one resolution for me: do more crossword puzzles.
Lindsay, Brittany, Paris and the rest of you with cutesy names (you know who you are even if I don't)...use your get out of jail/rehab card and do something in addition to drinking Cristal, getting arrested and being photographed.
Drug companies, stop being greedy and make the meds affordable. You Viagra people, be assured I don't want a larger penis.
Waiters, tell us the specials but we're okay to wonder whether you're Kevin or Brian. Nothing personal, but I eat out a lot and have run out of space in the lobe that stores names.
Let's get rid of telephone tapes that start off, "Si quiere continuar en espanol..." as well as telephone solicitors, starting with Brooklyn yeshivas and Marty, the carpet cleaner.
Peterson guys, if you want to dump a wife, divorce her. Murder is overkill. Women, think twice before marrying a Peterson. Ah, add Simpson to the list.
No more terrorist attacks. You heard me. We're all pouring liquids into tiny bottles before vacations and waiting on long lines at airport security. You've won, ok? Go celebrate. It may take some cleaning up, but it's possible to find virgins without martyring yourselves.
Overly zealous mothers who take it upon yourselves to harass girls you believe are competing with your daughters, get into therapy and find lives of your own. It's not in the job title of "mothering" to do battle with other people's kids.
Politicians? You may have faith, but how about restoring ours? George Bush, if you care about your legacy, start by saying, "I'm sorry" to us all. You've done serious damage in the last seven years and you have only one more to try to redeem yourself.
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