Thursday, November 1, 2007

what if you gave a halloween and nobody came?

last night was halloween and my doorbell was silent. it has been seven years since i moved into this canyon. a beautiful, leafy glade with no sidewalks or street lights and as rural as one can be in los angeles and still be four minutes to the nearest supermarket. it is very quiet and like so many west side neighborhoods these days, priced way out of reach of most young families.

the first halloween we lived here i bought my usual five, giant bags of candy - always careful to choose my favorites - snickers, nestles crunch, m&m's, milky way and twix - and then i waited. the doorbell never rang and for let's say, two months (alright - two weeks), i ate my way through the left over halloween candy.

this year i got smart. i only bought two bags. it was hard to narrow down my choices but narrow i did. a bag of snickers, which you can store in the freezer until the end of time and m&m's which i really don't consider candy at all. with all the greens and yellows, i have long considered m&m's a basic food group. if you count peanut m&m's you could probably live on them forever.

so there i sat with my two bags of candy. i turned on all the lights, played loud music and even opened my front door to let everyone know i was home and ready. not one ghost, goblin or witch dropped by. by 8:00 i was so desperate to share my candy i was even willing to entertain some of the child molesters that according to a new local web site are living around the corner from every single one of us in los angeles.

our local police, in their infinite wisdom, had issued a curfew for all pedophiles on halloween night. in an effort to make our streets safe for trick or treaters the powers that be ruled that all sex offenders must be home between the hours of 4:00 and 10:00 p.m. good idea with only one small problem. these are the very same men who refuse to obey society's rules by not molesting small children - do you think they would have any problem breaking a curfew? and if they do, here's where i come in. i am much to old to be threatened by these men. they served their time and who i am to judge. i just want someone to eat this candy before i do.


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