Surely you’ve had the experience of sitting with someone in a Chinese restaurant who reads the fortune cookie aloud, “You bring sunshine to the lives of all you meet” and you want to scream, "No, no, that doesn't mean you should tell that dumb joke yet again!" Fortune cookies are typically upbeat and flattering, totally unrealistic when predicting we should expect good luck, instead of the radiator leaks, rebellious children, allergies and speeding tickets that are likely coming our way.
Well, Wonton Foods, the country’s largest fortune cookie maker, has become realistic (maybe some of the big shots went into therapy or the misleading, upbeat fortunes were found to contain lead and recalled to China). They're now producing messages such as, “Today is a disastrous day. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” along with, “It’s over your head now. Time to get some professional help”.
Not everyone is enthused about the new messages. A woman from Austin, Texas said her fiance got the “disastrous day” fortune when they were celebrating their engagement at the Chinese restaurant where they’d had their first date. He teased that if he’d gotten it before, he might not have proposed. This brought to mind a story Rob Reiner, Carl's son, got a kick out of telling about a fortune he got not once, but twice, prior to becoming Meathead on All In The Family, which read, "Talent, like the gout, skips a generation".
Wonton has a catalog of 10,000 fortunes and reports finding it hard to come up with new sayings. My proposals:
Put down that cookie! Your buttons aren't closing.
Get over it. You are out of the closet.
There will be no raise. Expect a pink slip.
If he really loves you, he’d have left his wife and you'd be in a restaurant with a tablecloth and clean glasses.
Face it, not everyone has what it takes to write a play.
You're going to be audited.
Have you thought about suing your plastic surgeon?
When you say, "I'm telling you this because I care about you", it's b.s.
Odds are we’re going into Iran.
Quit bragging about your kids.
Tip like that again and the “pork” will be cat.