Sunday, September 9, 2007

What Bush Will Say In Response to the Petraeus/Cocker Report Before He Says It

“He believes the same thing Wednesday he believed on Monday…no matter what happens on Tuesday,” is the way Stephen Colbert characterized President Bush, which is why there's no point waiting until after Petraeus and Cocker present their report to Congress to know what W will be saying about it.

The president, in the predictable dark suit and white shirt, will read, referring to his notes, his tone ranging from resolute to self-righteous. He will be unable to mask his frustration that we never appreciate that everything he's done is right and rational. Get out your pencils while listening to his speech and check off which of the following points he makes. Then comment to let me know how close I came. Here's what we should expect:

“Fellow Americans, I asked that you be patient and wait for the report from General David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker. As I expected to hear, there has been progress in Iraq. By sending more troops, we've reduced sectarian violence. In other words, the surge has been effective in stabilizing the nation. Many Sunni tribes that were once our enemy have allied with American troops to defeat al-Qaida. This portends(note: do not say “pretends”) a military victory. But this will not happen next week or next month. These things take time. In other words, don't go thinking I'm bringing anyone back right now.

I believe we are going to succeed. There is no other option. Failure would allow radical Islamic extremists to grow in strength, which would create chaos in the region. In other words, it would be a hell of a mess. We owe it to the Iraqis to stay the course but we expect them to step up to the plate. There is more work to be done, but to anyone who still thinks otherwise, I say, 'We’re kicking ass!'

The United States of America has a good friend in the Australian (note: do not say “Austrian”) Prime Minister John Howard, who has assured me that the roughly 1600 troops now in Iraq will remain there. In other words, he supports my policies. He's a good man. I went to Iraq last week and saw for myself that life in parts of the country is returning to normal. Don't be surprised to see Starbucks and Nobu opening branches in Anbar.

Tuesday marks the sixth anniversary of the worst terror attacks on U.S. soil. We have not been hit again. In other words, (note: try not to smirk)our strategy is working. We can see from the recent video of the evildoer that we’ve got him on the run and worried. The terrorists had hoped to drive us out of Iraq so they could create a safe haven and launch attacks against America and our allies. But we're not letting them win. We will continue to show resolve and determination, which means bringing the war to them and each of us taking care not to get onto an airplane with more than four ounces of shampoo. In other words, clean hair is less of a priority than our national security.

This is a war between good and evil. A democratic Iraq will not be perfect, but it will be a country that fights terrorists, instead of harboring them. We have to finish what we started. By finishing the job, we will insure a future of peace and security for our children and our grandchildren. In other words, we may have a mess on our hands right now, but eventually someone will find a way out of it. By sending over (note: take care not to say “sacrificing”) more troops, we will actually hasten the day they get to come home.

No question there's still work ahead of us. This is no time to cut and run. I believe we're doing the right thing. We can and will prevail.

I thank the noble men and women who are fighting for our cause. We mourn the loss of every fallen American. Thank you and God bless."

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