Saturday, September 8, 2007

Analyzing the Osama bin-Laden tape: a bad hair day?

“He’s using Just for Jihadis!” my husband exclaimed the moment the terrorist appeared – his first time on our new, flat-screen TV, his beard as dark as Bob Dole’s hair.

Bin Laden let us know he's on top of things, aware that Japan just marked the 62nd anniversary of the attack on Hiroshima, that Democrats had a congressional victory last fall and that Sarkozy was elected in France. He alludes to global warming as well as Americans "reeling under the burdens" of a mortgage crisis. Clearly his hair stylist has a supply of current magazines, not just old copies of "Allure" and "Country Living", which is what I'm given while sitting under the dryer.

Counterterror and intelligence officials confirmed it was, indeed, bin Laden, not the Osama impersonator who managed to get past Australian security forces to close in on Bush this week. Other experts studying the tape have speculated that the speech was at least partially written by 28-year-old Adam Gadahn, an American charged with treason for supporting al-Qaida.

CIA analysts and celebrity hairstylist, Frederic Fekkai, will be studying the beard to determine if there is any connection to the dye once used by Saddam Hussein, which could lead to the outing of an al-Qaida Pakistan/al-Qaida Iraq underground hairdresser franchise. One TV pundit characterized the jet black coloring as an indication of vanity, saying he'd understand if Osama's hair had been colored with henna, which is an Arab (and Larry King) tradition. No one's considered that it could have been Grecian formula overzealously applied.

The timing has been said to be linked to the anniversary of the Sept. 11th attacks, the regrouping of al-Qaida leadership, pretty much everything except the death of Luciano Pavarotti. Some, commenting on OBL's handsome gold cape, suspect he may have been waiting for Fashion Week to learn about this season's hot colors. Yet to be heard from is Michelle Barack, who will surely want to weigh in on Osama's grooming and personal habits.

No comments: