Sunday, September 23, 2007

"Is He Cheating On You? - 829 Telltale Signs"

A study at the University of Chicago reports that 22 percent of men and 13 percent of women admitted to having cheated on their mates. Sneaking around requires lying, so how much confidence can we have in statistics provided by liars? My sense is even more than 22% of men have affairs, which raises the possibility that in some states more men cheat than vote.

The surprising news is a happy marriage doesn't assure fidelity. 17% of those with extramarital partners rated their marriage "pretty happy" with 10% describing their marriage as "really happy". The ones who'd put a check next to "the marriage from hell" probably didn't participate as they were off somewhere with their lovers.

Ruth Houston, identifying herself as an infidelity expert (a title no woman is eager to claim), has written a book, “Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs”. If someone needs more than two or three hundred clues, her husband may have grounds for fooling around. With so many men cheating, the book may be a more useful wedding present than a toaster.

The author makes recommendations for subverting the bastard, such as limiting his opportunities. She urges wives to attend company picnics because your presence may keep him from flirting and announces to other women that he's not available. To avoid having to do this repeatedly, you might consider handcuffing your husband to you and dressing in matching mu-mu's, which would surely be a topic of conversation at all future picnics and obviate the need to go more than once.

Another suggestion is if you're away on vacation while he's at home, you check in on him by phone and, if possible, in person by coming home unexpectedly. I'd insure that he needs to spend time on the premises by getting a new puppy and new rug beore leaving. If unable to pop up without notice, as the book proposes, you could have someone call in a bomb threat and ask a neighbor to see who'd come running out of the house or, in the case of Israelis, out of the bomb shelter.

If he's the one who's away, you're urged to get the number of the landline where he's staying because cell phones don't reveal a location. The overly zealous or jealous wife might also insert a Lojac device under her husband's skin and greet him upon his return with a polygraph specialist prepared to administer a lie detector test.

Bottom line, the premise is a naive and trusting wife is the last to know, so we should all be on the alert.

Why are all the "save a marriage" tips directed at women? We're alternately instructed how to please and spy on our husbands while men are reading articles on lowering cholesterol and where to go fly fishing.