Thursday, August 2, 2007

once upon a mattress

it has come to my attention that it is time - no, way past time - to replace our mattress. it seems, that without my noticing it, fifteen years has slipped by and our mattress has given up the ghost. to see it naked, without benefit of mattress cover, sheets and duvet, is to view a very sad thing. there is a giant indent on my side and an even gianter indent on the husband's side. in the middle is an enormous wall. a wall that is still scaled, thank god, frequently, but none the less needs to be scaled. it is no longer just a matter of rolling over to find each other. now, one must roll up and over, which can be quite exerting before or after brushing one's teeth.

i have mentioned to the husband that our mattress needs to replaced but he seems ambivalent. something along the lines of "it's been o.k. this long. why fix it if it isn't broken?" when i protest that it is broken, he just tries to distract me by reading out loud from his newest cookbook some amazing dish he wants to prepare for our next dinner party. normally, i am in charge of household problems. if something needs to be fixed i get it fixed. i replace things all the time without even mentioning a word to the husband, so i had to examine why replacing the mattress has become such an issue.

it is not as if i had any sentimental feeling toward the thing. no children of mine were either born or conceived on it, so while it has served us well for a decade and a half, i should be able to let it go without a backward glance; but suddenly, while waiting in line at the bank (a good place for thinking because you have so much free time just standing there) it came to me. if we have been keeping our mattresses for a minimum of fifteen years, this next mattress could very well be the next to the last mattress i will ever buy. i knew that you could measure out your life in coffee spoons, but it never occurred to me that we were each granted only so many mattresses per lifetime.

if i buy a new mattress now, i would only have one mattress left before the "big sleep". but what if i never buy a new mattress? then i would still have two mattresses due me. perhaps, that is the answer. i think i have found the secret of eternal life. stop buying new mattresses with still a few to go and you can live forever!

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