Saturday, July 28, 2007

My proposal for a revised product endorsement agreement

I woke this morning to a victory: Nike cancelled their multi-million dollar endorsement contract with Michael Vick. The NFL quarterback had been indicted for being involved in dog fighting and there's evidence that he tortured and killed animals unable to fight. You’d think Nike would have cut him loose without pressure from me, but I'm glad they did it. Wal-Mart and Congress have been less responsive to my e-mails.

A substantial part of my day is devoted to e-mails about getting politicians impeached, animals and forest land saved, research funded, don't ask. I'd like companies who sign up celebrities and athletes to represent their products to handle this stuff on their own and free up my time. Call it self-interest, but I’m proposing the following be inserted into all boilerplate endorsement contracts issued by corporations:

“This agreement will be deemed null and void should celebrity representative:

-Be indicted for killing animals as a sport or personally kill animals

-Marry Howard K. Stern or an evangelist found guilty of embezzlement and fraud

-Toss a phone at an employee

-Expose a breast on national TV, whether deliberately or accidentally

-Drive cross country in a diaper

-Dangle an infant out a window

-Hurl racial invectives from a stage

-Berate or slap a police officer

-Chase the car of the mother of a personal assistant who just quit

-Fraudulently obtain Oxycontin at a pharmacy

-Spit at Laurie David or Cheryl Crow

-Steal a car

-Slap and punch a teenage boy

-Drive without a license or while possessing cocaine or hashish

-Falsely accuse an athlete of sexual misconduct

-Appear on the books of a madam or escort service

-Shoplift