Friday, June 8, 2007

paris, i feel your pain

i awoke this morning at 6 a.m. to an ominous and very loud drip, drip, dripping sound coming from somewhere behind my bedroom wall. i knew immediately that it must be the mysterious leak that dave the phone man attributed to the trouble with my phone and doorbell. i waited until 9 o'clock to call jim the plumber. for those of you who read my blog of two days ago, you already know, that at dave's insistence, i had called jim on wednesday and left a message. it was not a good sign that jim had not returned my call. living in the land of celebrities and movie stars it is entirely possible that my leaking shower would take a definite back seat to, say, tom hank's dripping faucet. jim's assistant, wendy, (even l.a. plumbers have personal assistants) pretended she never got my first message. after begging and groveling, wendy agreed to squeeze me into jim's busy schedule. when i asked her what time i might expect jim to come by, she laughed. wendy, the plumber's assistant, laughed - "ha, ha". she told me i should expect him "sometime today". "sometime today" can be translated into l.a. speak as somewhere between dawn and death.

so here i sit. alone at home - in solitary confinement. i am, ostensibly under house arrest. no ankle bracelet could bind me closer to this house than the thought of missing jim the plumber's visit. i learned the hard way that, when jim shows up, someone better be there to let him in. i once missed his arrival by ten minutes and i was punished severely for that mistake. it was six months before jim could find time to fix the powder room toilet that refused to flush. for six long months i had to ask my guests to pee at home before they came to dinner. everyone knew i had stood up my plumber. i was pitied.

it is now 1:30 and still no jim. the days pass slowly in stir. i am getting a strange rash and i think i may be having a nervous breakdown. the only things that separate my fate from paris's is an orange jump suit and a full body cavity search. i know there are groups that are printing up "free paris" t- shirts. i was wondering if, perhaps, in tiny little letters that could add "and judi".

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