Tuesday, June 5, 2007
the men in my life
why does it take so many people to run my life. it is not as if i were some socialite running multiple homes while chairing committees and serving twenty-five for intimate dinners in my home twice a week. i am just a typical l.a. housewife and yet, while paying the bills, i noticed that i have a lot of men in my life and all of them are on the payroll. it all started with the gardener. you have to have a gardener in los angeles because things grow all year round and if there is not someone constantly trimming and cutting and mowing and pruning we would all disappear behind a mound of vegetation, thirty feet high, in no time at all. after the gardener comes the pond man. it is not my fault we have a pond. it came with the house - along with the waterfall and the 400 year old california sycamore that has it's very own man to care for it. after the gardener and the pond man and the tree man comes the flower man. it would seem with these four men that i have a particular fondness for growing things. i don't. it's just that with all the maintenance going on outside it would seem remiss to leave the vases indoors bear. hence, the flower man. he only comes once a month bearing new orchids and plants and refilling the trough in the entry hall with fresh moss. when i do entertain he is also available for centerpieces but, let's face it, a girl's got to have centerpieces. next in my check book is the car washer. a fact is a fact. if you live in los angeles, you live in your car. would you let your living room get filthy and strewn with old water bottles and scrunched up power bar wrappers? i think not. the plumber and electrician are not regulars but seem to come often enough to warrant a check at least once a month. oh, we must not forget hans, the masseuse. his real name is mary, but mary is not a man and would therefore screw up the title of this piece so she shall be known as hans. as for hans, it is very stressful to love in los angeles so a massage is vital. the last man on the list is sven, our trainer. sven is really annikah but once again you get that there is a theme going here so for the purpose of this piece annikah also has undergone a name change. better than the kind of changes some of those other swedes go through - if you know what i mean. i hate to admit it but i am very glad the dog finally died thereby eliminating the groomer and trainer. as i look over this list i realize that the only man in my life that i don't pay is my husband. which is a good thing because, other than earning a living and being a really good cook and a really good guy, he doesn't seem to have any marketable skills.