Wednesday, June 20, 2007

fake breasts and chopped salads in malibu

today was a beautiful day in los angeles. the kind of beautiful day when you just need to put the top down, or if you don't happen to own a convertible, stick your head out the window and drive to the beach.

i convinced a girlfriend to ride out to malibu with me for lunch. she was game, but she refused to put the top down. this being l.a., the land of perfect weather, i could never figure out why most people prefer air conditioning. maybe they think it will keep them from aging. at any rate, after just a few short minutes we were in malibu, or as the residents like to call it, "the bu". because our adventure was taken on the spur of the moment, we didn't have reservations at the only place you would want to eat in malibu. when we asked for a table they told us it was an hour wait unless, of course, we were willing to eat indoors. we agreed. we were the only people inside the restaurant. malibu, being the land of beautiful and laid back people, what better way to work on your tan than to multi-task and catch the rays while you pretend to eat.

nobody eats in l.a., but in malibu they have raised starvation to an art form. food is ordered and forks are clasped in hands and yet you never actually see food being chewed or swallowed. when i was little my mother used to chastise me at the dinner table "don't play with your food". in malibu, playing with your food is all you are apparently allowed to do with it. the women who starve have the tiniest little bodies you have ever seen and are clad in the least amount of clothing that is allowable by law. the tiny bodies make sense. if you don't eat, ever, you eventually whittle yourself down to nothing. what doesn't make sense is that all of these tiny bodies seem to be topped with enormous breasts. in order to grow breasts that size one would have to ingest, at the very least, one normal meal a day. these breasts seem to live on air and water and oh yes, a little saline.

after lunch, we walked around the shops that surround the restaurant. all i can say is it's a good thing none of these women eat. they couldn't afford to buy both clothing and food so if somethings got to give, well let's just say, what kind of fool would give up a pair of $250 "7 for mankind" jeans for a plate of pasta? after checking out the $400 tee shirts and the $1500 beach bags we also noticed something else that all the women seemed to have in common. they were all mean. now i am sure there are some very kind women living in malibu but all the young women we encountered were mean. even the shop girls were nasty. you would think they would pretend to be nice, in order to try and sell us something but we seemed to irritate them just by asking a question.

on the way home we tried to figure out the malibu phenomenon. was it too much sun, too much money, or too many failed marriages that made these women so unpleasant? no, we came to the conclusion that they were just hungry. some of them haven't eaten in five years. factor in the ten pounds of extra breast weight they are lugging around and you can only imagine how irritable that could make one. so let's forget all this nonsense about darfur - we need to airlift some chopped salads (dressing on the side) to these girls and soon! that would be a true humanitarian mission.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Maybe you just caught them on a bad day. I've been to Malibu on vacation twice and everyone was always nice to me.